Friday, February 26, 2010

Something Special In The Air…..Or On The Ground

So, I’m entering into my 3rd hour at Logan International Airport in Boston and since I had a feeling this was going to be a long day, I came prepared so I could share my experiences with all of you. I have to say that with all the ipods, phone apps, laptops, books, and magazines, the best entertainment for me are the people. Here are the top ten people I’ve encountered so far on my journey:

10) Nonstop talking chick: Okay, this woman hasn’t shut up since she got to the gate. She has something to say about everything and hasn’t stopped to take a breath. She’s talking about travel, real estate, friends from high school, interest rates, the economy, the stock market, shoes, EVERYTHING. So, I walked away just to get a break otherwise airport security was going to have to step in and “handle” me.

9) Nanna look alike: Okay, I’m serious, I’ve never seen someone look so much like my Nanna. It kind of freaked me out because I was like, “Nanna, how did you get out of the home? Do you know where you are? Do you know who I am? What brings you to the airport today?” But I held back and just watched from afar.

8) Elizabeth Grady: This little lady has been giving herself a facial since she sat down. I’m talking about full on moisturizing, tweezing, and she may have exfoliated her face at some point as well. She has a mirror that is lit up and, frankly, I was gonna ask her to shape my eyebrows when she got a second but since she was sitting next to # 10, I had to leave them both.

7) Speakerphone guy: So this dip thinks that everyone wants to hear his conversation so it doesn’t even occur to him that maybe he should turn the speakerphone option off. And the louder he goes the louder the person on the other side goes as well. It’s pretty awesome but even for me, the hearing impaired, it’s loud and annoying and needs to stop.

6) Rupaul: Okay, so I really can’t tell if this is a he, she, or she-male. He/She has the delicate features of a lovely lady but the lumbering gait and the deep voice of a macho man. Well, best of luck to him/her as he/she figures this out on their own.

5) Bono: He’s trying really hard to pull this look off, but it’s not working. The swept back hair, the five o clock shadow at 9am and the yellow sunglasses do nothing for him. Unless he’s going to entertain us with a rousing rendition of One or some hits from the Joshua Tree, he needs to tone it down and look into getting a make-under.

4) Mr. Mint Shirt: Remember the Andes candies that your grandmother used to keep at her house? Remember the bright green minty stuff in between the two thin layers of chocolate? Okay, that’s the color shirt this guy is wearing under his brown suit with a bright red tie. It’s just awful and makes me hurt to look at him.

3) Family Portrait: I kid you not, a family of four asked someone to take their picture in front of a trashcan in front of the restrooms. I guess the economy really is in the shitter if these are the kinds of memories that the American family has been reduced to making.

2) King of the Septic Systems: So, I’m sitting here and all of a sudden a phone rings and I hear what sounds to me like medieval horns playing to welcome the King to the jousting match. I look up and the guy who answers the phone is sporting an Amish beard (you know, Lincoln style with the beard only) and a sweatshirt for the company I am assuming he works for called Randolph Septic Systems. If we were playing poker, I’d call this a Royal Flush!

1) Mr. Zen: Finally, the guy that makes waiting for a flight worthwhile. After I moved away from Ms. Chatterbox (#10), I was close enough to overhear a delightful conversation between two very unlikely folks. A guy in a tshirt and trucker hat and a lovely lady who looked like she just walked out of Chico’s were having a conversation. He was lifting up his shirt and showing her the extensive scars he got during a motorcycle accident several years ago. He told her all about his many surgeries, metal plates in his head, steel in his knees, and the head trauma he suffered. He spoke in an uncomfortably loud tone of voice, likely a result of the head trauma for sure. She was a real champ listening with genuine interest and inserting the appropriate “ooh” and “oh my” when necessary. After he then explained how many painkillers he’s on regularly and then paused to make a few phone calls on his iphone with his earpiece, he tells her how he’s really a simple guy who doesn’t really believe in western medicine.

Well, while I may never make it to my destination, I sure am trying to enjoy the journey.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

"Pissing" Me Off

So, I thought my cat and I had an understanding. If I go away for 2 nights and come back, she is okay with her food, water, and litter box if all three are replenished before I depart. We’ve done this before and we’ve been just fine. If it’s any longer than that, I arrange for someone to come check on her and bond so she doesn’t feel abandoned. Well, apparently, Elphie decided that this past weekend wasn’t going to work for her and she decided to send me a little message about my recent travel, ON MY BED!!! Yup, that’s right, a little yellow message to tell me that she will not be forgotten. Luckily, it was a small message so I bleached the hell out of everything and it didn’t go all the way through to my mattress. So, why was she so surprised when I didn’t let her into my room last night? Shouldn’t she have known that she crossed the line and there would be consequences? Apparently not because, even with my hearing aids out, I could hear her scratching at the door and trying to get in. Finally, I relented because at some point I had to go to the bathroom and I wasn’t going to pee on my bed too. It seems clear to me that she only does this when I’m gone but wouldn’t dare do it while I’m there. So, today I went to Bed Bath & Beyond and picked up a mattress protector so that my lovely Jordan’s Furniture sleep lab special doesn’t get involved in our little “pissing” match. Yup, I picked up a plastic shield as if I were either an old lady or a young child with a bed-wetting problem. I know, I know, my life is pretty glamorous and you are all probably jealous about the exciting life I lead.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Olympic Observations

Okay, I’m trying to be a good American and get on board with this Olympic thing so I’m doing my diligent nightly tune-in and it turns out I have some questions. So, along with my partner in crime and best friend Helen here, I’d like to explore some of these topics.

1) Snowboarding: I foolishly asked if there is a half pipe, what happened to the full pipe competition? Helen wisely informs me that this would require a competition in a tube and so the “half” makes it not only more competitive and the tricks can be cooler, but we can also see what they’re doing.

2) Canada: Doing some recent research, Helen informs me that 90% of Canadians live within 100 miles of the U.S. border. So, while I don’t know how many kilometers that is, I think it means that the Olympics are almost happening in the U.S. so I can get behind them a bit more now.

3) Women’s Slalom: Okay, so I can’t seem get through this one without calling it “shalom” by mistake, mazeltov! They wear aerodynamic body suits but we both realized that this gives them no traction when they, and they seemed to quite a lot, fall down the hill. So, I’m wondering if they have a better chance at a world record if they just fall down right away or actually ski.

4) Back to snowboarding: I call it a costume or an outfit but I guess it’s more of the gear they wear in competition. We’re having a hard time figuring out the difference between what they’re wearing and pajamas. Why no slippery body suit for Shaun White (aka the flying tomato)?

5) Short track speed skating: Every time I see a story about Apolo “Oh no!!!” it kind of seems to me like he accidentally wins. Someone else falls down or gets disqualified and he’s a world champion. Now, I’m not saying he’s not a great athlete because I saw the training montage and he can run up a cliff in the desert and lift weights like nothing I’ve ever seen, but I just don’t get this sport. I don’t get how they don’t slice each other open with those big blades on their feet and I don’t understand how you win and I also don’t understand how they all look so calm like they’re just skating along on a Sunday afternoon in the park. Well, there goes another career option for me.

So, all in all I have to say I’m enjoying the journey that these Olympic games have become for me. I didn’t want to like them, but I’m watching and I’m enjoying.

God Bless America!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Hugs: Do It Right or Don't Do It At All

I was talking to someone today about a recent experience she had hugging people at a baby shower and I realized something very important...not everyone is meant to be a hugger. The thing is that if you can't hug well, I kind of wish that you would acknowledge it, admit it, and find another way to greet people. Become a great high-fiver, kiss people on the cheek like a champ, or shake hands like a superstar but give up trying to hug if it's not meant to be. To me, a bad hugger is someone who puts their arms wide around you but is as stiff as a corpse and as the huggee, you get a shoulder in your throat and a tap tap tap on your back. When I hug someone, I want it to mean something and, if nothing else, I want it to at least be a comfortable experience. If you are a bad hugger, the experience is just as uncomfortable for you and someone needs to be the bigger person and stop it before it begins. I pride myself at being a good hugger and I'm just trying to give voice to something that's been kept underground for far too long. So, huggers of the world, unite and take a stand against bad hugs!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

The Winter Olympics Are Going "Downhill"

I’m not sure if you’re aware, but it turns out that the Olympics start today, who knew? Sure, the Today show has been reporting from Vancouver all week but I kind of figured they were looking for where in the world Matt Lauer was but it has finally dawned on me that the Winter Olympic games are about to begin……….and I couldn’t care less. I remember there was a time when I knew about speed skating records being broken and that the Jamaican bobsled team was kind of a big deal. But now I don’t know who the heck is doing anything and who is expected to sweep the gold medals in any sport. I mean, where is the knee smacking drama of Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding? How about when Oksana stole the gold when she was like 15 and melted everyone’s hearts with her story of being an orphan? Does anyone care now what Brian Boitano would do? Maybe it’s different since the split between the summer and winter games, maybe I’m distracted by other things going on, or maybe I just need a good old NBC photo montage and story of overcoming impossible odds to get me back into the swing of things. Until then, I’ll just get annoyed by my favorite shows being pre-empted by the riveting coverage of cross-country skiing, archery, and curling. Yippee, pass the popcorn.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Much Ado About Nothing

So, the schools were closed, government offices shut down, companies closing early left right and center, all in preparation for the storm of the century. Parking bans were in effect all throughout the city, Home Depot was selling out of bags of salt and college students throughout the city were cheering for joy as they thought of the cash they would be pulling in from shoveling for old ladies and the housebound of Boston. I left my house in the morning thinking, “this is the last I’ll see of my sidewalk for awhile” as the first flakes began to fall. And then……I waited. Along with the rest of the city I waited and SPOILER ALERT nothing happened. That’s right, nothing happened. I don’t think we even got half an inch of accumulation in my neck of the woods. Seriously people, we live in New England and it’s SUPPOSED to snow, must we freak out at the mere thought of snowfall? Must we immediately run to the store and buy milk and bread as if we’ll never see daylight again? Must we teach our children that snow should be feared instead of embraced? Honestly, you’d think the “end times” were coming the way people were gearing up today and all for nothing. Now, the worst part of this will be the next time there’s a real storm on it’s way, there will be no preparation because everyone will remember this big pile of nothing and then we’ll be screwed. Ah, the joys of living in New England.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

How I Roll

Could someone please explain to me why it is that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to avoid it, I always end up getting the grocery cart with the loud broken wheel? Next time you are in the store, just listen for that pathetic sounding cart that is barely able to take a corner and you’ll find me pushing it. Honestly, children ran away from me tonight at the store because of my scary screeching cart. And the thing is, it takes a few seconds to get going so just when I think I’m in the clear, BOOYAH, that familiar sound is back and now it’s too late to turn around and change it. The really special part of it is that the noise itself somehow even makes my ears hurt which is a hard thing to do!!! And it’s not just the sound, as soon as that kicks in, one of the wheels gets stuck and so it’s not only loud, it’s then hard to even push the damn thing at all. Now, I know that things could be worse but I just can’t figure out how, of all the people in the world, these carts keep choosing me.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Don't Worry Kids, I'm On My Way!

I had a pretty funny experience recently that I thought my readers might appreciate. I was at an offsite meeting and those of you who were there will know exactly what I’m talking about. We were enjoying a lovely dinner and eventually, and perhaps inevitably, the subject of me being single came up. My well-intentioned friends and colleagues were all encouraging me to go online to find Mr. Wonderful and one of these lovely ladies was very specific and direct in her advice. She stated that, in no uncertain terms, I should find a man who already has children. Now, I’ve always been open to the idea of being with someone who has children but she clarified that I shouldn’t just be open to the concept, but that I should be looking specifically for this in a partner and I needed to hop to it because I needed to be a Mom. I take it as a compliment that anyone would say that I should be a Mom or that I would be a good one but all of a sudden I felt this need to go out that night and find my husband and children! She had me convinced that, as we speak, my future husband’s current wife could be pregnant with my future stepchildren and if I didn’t get online and make sure he knew that I was waiting for him that I would miss my chance. Well, I haven’t put my posting out there just yet, but I will keep you posted when my instant family becomes a reality. Until then, if you come across any Lifetime tv movie-worthy single dads with children looking for a stepmom, keep me posted and my friend Nadja will be very relieved.