Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Ed, You’re Making Me Feel Bad About My Life Choices

Okay, so I’m a faithful bridesmaid, I’m the queen of bridal showers and baby showers, I’ll even toss a few more back that I want to at a bachelorette party. I’m not religious but I’ll go to every baptism and christening and bris I’m invited to and I’m happy to do it, I want to celebrate all of the life choices of my friends and family. And one day, I know they will all be happy to celebrate mine as well. However, once in awhile, I am smacked in the face with a reminder of my own life choices to date in the most unexpected moments. Now, don’t worry, I’m totally fine and this isn’t a crisis moment or anything, I’m just sharing the delightfully awkward experiences of yours truly. So, I’m getting my taxes done and Ed, my tax guy, starts reviewing the forms and shakes his head.

“Well, I really wish you…”

“What is it Ed.”

“You’re not married?”

“No, Ed.”

“No kids?”

“No, Ed.”

“You don’t own any other properties?”

“No, Ed.”

“Well, I really wish you had some deductibles.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, it would really help if you had some kids.”

Really, Ed? Is this the time to hold up a mirror to your client and remind them that they don’t have children? What if I can’t have children? What if that’s all I wanted in the world but I just couldn’t, isn’t that just a wee bit insensitive? What if I just broke up with the love of my life, don’t you think your approach was a bit risky? It’s like asking a fat woman when she’s due and she’s just tubby and not “with child.” I’m just saying that those are NOT risks I’m willing to take in daily conversations. Take a lesson Ed and try a new approach next year. I’ll work on my life choices over the next year and we’ll see if I bring my husband and children with me to my next appointment and make your deductible wishes come true! Thanks for my refund buddy.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

H&R Blocked

About two weeks ago I received an automated message reminding me of my appointment on Sunday, March 7th at 6pm with my neighborhood tax man at H&R Block. So, even though I was just coming back from a work trip that afternoon, I worked diligently to pull my tax records together and get ready for my tax appointment. I left the house early so as not to be late and when I rolled up in front of the office, the lights were off and no one was home. So, I called the main 800# and was informed that their reservation system was "wacky" and sometimes does crazy stuff like confirming appointments that couldn't possibly exist. Confused but calm I then asked if I could make a new appointment and he said that wasn't going to be possible either because the "wacky" system is also down at the moment. Really? Okay, so I'm supposed to go back and trust these guys to do my taxes if booking an appointment seems to be a challenge? Ironically he then asked if there was anything he could help me with and I (oh so sweetly) stated, "well, it turns out you haven't really been able to help me with anything at all, but it was nice of you to ask." So, my energy feels "taxed" and my only "return" is the need to find someone else to do my taxes.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

I Demand Full Disclosure!

So, while eating my lunch today I made a terrible discovery, the salad I had purchased secretly contained a pile of black olives! I didn’t see it coming. I wouldn’t have imagined with a mozzarella, roasted pepper, grilled chicken and mesclun greens salad that olives would have even been considered. Flabbergasted, I spent the first few minutes of my lunch picking through and removing all of them. But, every piece of greenery they touched now had the vile and lingering flavor of those black rings of salty yuckiness. What if I had an olive allergy? What if I had high blood pressure and needed to watch my salt intake? What if I HATE BLACK OLIVES!?!?!? Now, truth be told, I do love green olives in a martini but that’s about it. Black olives are another situation altogether and I detest them. Sure, maybe you think I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill, but I feel my rights as a salad eater have been violated and I demand that the salad purveyors of the world provide us with FULL DISCLOSURE!!!