Bringing Out The Bitch In Me

As many of you know, I'm not so very fond of my neighbors. And by "not so very fond", I mean that I hate them. Well, last night I couldn't take it anymore. It was the umpteenth time that their friggin' dog barked NONSTOP from the moment they left the house until 3 hours later when they returned. So, when I heard them come back because the dog stopped barking finally, I decided to summon up the courage to ring their bell and have a little chat. Now, I will put "VI to represent my neighbor (the Village Idiot) and "Me" to represent, well, me. When you read the VI dialogue, make sure you do it with a fake British accent like he actually does. It went a little something like this:

doorbell rings

Me: Hi, I need to talk to you about your dog.

VI: Oh yes, we got a text from you not even an hour after we left tonight.

Me: Yes, and I can tell you that I let an hour go by of your dog barking before I wrote it. Here's the thing, the barking is otu of control and I need you to make it stop.

VI: Well, I don't kow how to make a dog stop barking.

Me: Hmmmm......I need you to figure it out, I can't live like this anymore. I have alerted you to the problem repeatedly and I get messages back like "I'm out". Well, I figure as much because the moment you all leave the house, she goes bananas.

VI: That's weird, I never hear her bark.

Me: Right, because it's when you LEAVE that it happens.

VI: I just can't believe that she barks nonstop, I mean I can imagine a few minutes but then she must settle down.

Me: Again, I promise you it's happening and it's nonstop and if it were just a few minutes, I'd be ok, but it's the incredible marathon barking session for hours on end that gets me frazzled like this. And by the way, you couldn't have a neighbor less sensitive to sound than I am, given my hearing aids and all.

VI: Ha ha.

Me: So, I promise you that if it's bothering me, it's gotten out of control.

VI: I just can't believe she barks that much, it's so unlike her.

Me: Once again, I assure you it's happening and it's very much like her. I know this because it happens ALL OF THE TIME. Do you think I"m lying about this?

VI: No. You know, I believe that dogs should be trained and when I've had dogs, I've always trained them. So, when she's around me, she doesn't bark.

Me: that's my point. I've grown up with dogs, multiple dogs, and I've never experienced anything like this.

VI: Well you wouldn't have because you wouldn't know what they did when you were out of the house.

Me: Ah, excellent point and it's exactly what I AM SAYING!!! I'm informing you of what's happening every time YOU leave the house. So, with your experience, maybe you could "train" your dog to not bark any of the time. I could live with 10 minutes after you leave, but the endless hours are frying my brain.

VI: Well, when you live in a condo, you do have to concede that there are noises and smells and other ways where you are aware of yourneighbors. I mean, I can smell the food you cook and I can hear your tv.

Me: Well, don't be a martyr, if there's something you need to tell me re: a way that I'm iimpacting your quality of life, please tell me and I will do everything I can to address it. I hope you are not suggesting that I should concede that 3 hours of barking is just a way of life?

VI: Well no, but sometimes you can hear things and Ih ave very good hearing and I hear things too. I'm really sensitive to music and pitch and tone, I just can't handle it when people sing out of tune.

Me: That's great with your stellar hearing and all, but your hearing impaired neighbor is going crazy listening to your dog so let's get back to how to fix that. I think that anyone could agree that there's a threshold for everything and it turns out that this is mine.

VI: I don't know how to fix it, maybe I can look online.

Me: Yes, maybe you can do that and here's what I'm saying, either we can solve this amicably as neighbors and youc an let me know how you will be fixing the problem or I will bring in a third party to address it and I am quite certain that will be an unpleasant experience. so, I'm telling you in person that this is an issue and am requiring that you address it and either you do and we live happily ever after, or I involve the authorities. The choice is yours.

VI: I just can't believe she barks that much.

Me: She does, I've been tempted to tape it and play it back for you from midnight until 3am so you can experience just how disruptive it can be.

VI: That would be great so I can hear what she's doing, do you have a voice-activated recorder?

Me: I neither have the time nor the inclination to do any such thing. I think you can figure this out yourselves. I have to go, this has been exhausting.

So, then he wanted to just chat with me about everything, clearly not getting that I'm standing there threatening to call the police/animal control if he doesn't address the issue. So, I ended the conversation saying, "I have to go now, American Idol is on, but you probably knew that because you can hear it upstairs. Good night and I look forward to hearing your solution soon."

Why am I being tested like this? Why must I be the ongoing victim of their stupidity and ignorance? Why cant' I just have normal neighbors with normal IQs and a sense of humanity? Is that too much to ask?

Forgive Me, It's the Meds Talking

A couple of days ago I hurt my back pretty badly and since then I've been stuck on my couch on some heavy meds and I've had some time to do some thinking. And there are a few things that I've thought of that I'd like to share with all of you. First of all, when I injured myself and had to go to the hospital, I took myself there and had to park in the parking lot of MGH. Now, not every person who goes in for an injury arrives in an ambulance, many of them are in my position and have to take themselves there. Well, having strained my lower back, I can't say that I was the most mobile person you'd ever seen. I finally found a parking spot on the top level of the garage and then had to wait until the end of time for the elevator to open up. It was cold, it was windy, and my back was spasming like it was nobody's business. So then I had to get off the elevator and walk through the obstacle course they set up to avoid the construction going on so I could enter the hospital. Then, guess what? Another elevator which took a year and a half to arrive. I finally get to the urgent care center and I have to stand in line to check in. My knees began to buckle and I couldn't hold it in any longer so I literally threw my ID card on the desk and said, "I have to sit down, I'm dying, let me know what you need me to do." And then I proceeded to sit down in the waiting room and sob like a 12 year old at a Justin Beiber concert. People brought me tissues and asked if I was okay and tried not to stare as I made a little scene. I'm not a pretty crier. I don't have one delicate tear that goes down my cheek, I'm a sloppy slobbering mess when I really get into my tear fest and that day was certainly no exception. The only person who didn't seem to have any sympathy for me was the nasty woman behind the desk who kept making me get up to sign things and to give her my co pay and to get my change. She was a real doll. So, what's my point? My point is that as an injured person, it couldn't have been more painful to ultimately get in to see someone to help me with my condition. So, I then I have to go pick up my Rx for my meds which I was so desperate to take but couldn't until I was safely at home. Well, the pharmacy didn't make it much better either because all of the back pain meds, patches, and other treatments were on the lowest shelf. Seriously, did anyone think about this before they put them there? Do you really think people with back pain can bend over to get those things? It's like putting allergy medicine in the middle of a pot of flowers. Stupid. But luckily they did have some chairs so I could sit while waiting for my Rx to be ready. But next to where I was sitting is the free blood pressure monitor and this guy lumbers over and stuffs himself into the arm cuff and takes his test. He smelled like a bottle of booze and a chimney so I suspect that blood pressure may be the least of his concerns at the moment. But, hey, good for him for at least checking. Okay, what the hell was I talking about? See, this is the effect of these meds, I lose track of what I'm doing pretty quickly. Okay, so I finally make it home and this is where it gets tough. I can't move, I can't walk, I can't stand up straight, I'm pretty much a lump on the couch where I'm forced to search Facebook for updates and watch tv in the hopes of seeing something that will catch my interest. All the while I'm trying desperately to not overeat so that I don't undo all the hard work I've done over the past 7 months to lose weight and get healthy. The story that keeps playing on all the news stations over and over is about this woman who ordered a pizza every day from Domino's and when she didn't for 3 days, a driver came looking for her and found that she had fallen. All of a sudden I realized that I'm not a "regular" anywhere and if I fell, who would find me after 3 days? Certainly not my neighbors, they'd be psyched. So, I've made commitments to talk to certain people at various times over the next fews days so that if I don't make our "appointment", they might suspect something's up. Now, while I'm happy that this woman is okay now, how come no one is reporting on the real story here which is that this woman ordered a pizza EVERY SINGLE DAY. Who's checking HER blood pressure? Watching tv all day has really made me realize how important it is for me to get the hell out of this house as soon as I can possibly get up again. I fear my mind is turning to mush by the second and when I start agreeing with Elizabeth Hasselback on The View, I know that something is terribly terribly wrong. So, those are some of the things that I've been thinking about over the past few days. If I rambled and didn't make sense, please forgive me, it's just the meds talking.

The World Traveler

So, my job requires quite a bit of travel and over the past few years the amount of international travel I have to do has increased significantly. Now, don't get me wrong, I love being in the places I travel to, but I really hate the process of getting to and from there. I've written previously about my packing issues, so let's start with getting to the airport itself. Usually I have to drive to work, park and then take a taxi to the airport. This adds another 25 min or so to the overall "arrival timetable" that I try to work out in my head. I spend the whole day thinking about what time I have to leave my house and while I think of myself as a relatively intelligent person, I instantly become an idiot unable to determine how long it will take me to do the things I need to do before I am ready to leave. How long will it take me to empty the litter box? How long will it take me to take my suitcase to the car? How long will it take me to shower and blow dry my hair? Things I do on a regular basis are things that I'm unable to predict on the day I need to go anywhere. Inevitably I usually get to the airport way too early and then I just have time to burn. No, scratch that, I spend that time regretting how much I packed in my carry on bag as I walk around and feel an ache in my back that will reach an unbearable degree of pain by the time I'm ready to board the flight. The flight itself usually becomes a blur of Tylenol PM, dim lighting and trying to avoid getting my knee knocked off by the cart driving through the aisle. Oh and I always bring my own headphones for fear that they will give us earbuds that people with hearing aids like myself can't use. However, when you fall asleep with the recording studio headphones on that I bring with me, it makes for a fantastic feeling when you wake up and you feel like you might have actually dented the outside of your ear permanently. Oh and that magical feeling when you arrive and make your way down to the baggage claim. I always have a pit in my stomach due to the fear that my luggage will be lost and I will have to find clothes that can fit my, well how do I put this delicately, not so slim figure into when I'm in a place like Europe where you are considered "plus size" when you wear anything beyond a size 4. Should I pack an extra outfit in my carry on? Sure, but who has room after I jam all the other "necessities" I determine I can't live without for the week. Honestly, when I finally make it to my destination, I'm always amazed at all the things I'm convinced I'll need, some of which I never even use at home so why the hell do I think i'm going to need them overseas? If you run into me in the U.S., I usually have myself pretty well together and have my make up done and my hair in place. When I'm overseas I'm simply a hot mess. I feel like my make up falls off, my hair develops a life of it's own and frumpy is an understatement when I think about my clothing in comparison to the people around me who have it all together. On my way home it all starts over again and until I'm back in my comfy bed with my kitty in her place down by my feet, I don't totally feel like myself. However, I have to say that I consider myself really lucky that I have a job that literally takes me around the world. I meet amazing people, I have unbelievable adventures and when I look back at the pictures of what I've done and where I've been, I always smile and start packing for the next trip with anxious anticipation...

Some Funny Stuff I Observed This Week

I really like to take in my surroundings not only because it helps me to appreciate the things around me, but also because crazy s%$t happens all the time and I don't want to miss a thing. Here are a few of the gems I came across this week:

• While travelling to see my friends in NC this weekend, there was definitely a questionable he/she sitting in front of me. He/She was dressed to the nines but had some masculine features and when he/she spoke, it sounded like Lou Rawls. Oddly enough, he/she was also on my flight on the way home and I still hadn't made up my mind on the gender of my fellow passenger by the end of the journey. I guess I'll never know.


• He/She's family was travelling with him/her and they had clearly never been on a flight where they could watch tv. So, even as a hearing impaired person I can tell you that I have never heard people speak so loudly to each other because they didn't think to take their headphones off when they wanted to chat. Awesome, we are all so thankful for the extra entertainment you provided.


• While working out at the gym last night I looked over at a very cute guy running away on the treadmill. I could hear my mother echoing "he's a cutie!" in my head. As I stole another glance, I noticed that he was watching the Home Shopping Network while he was running. A mistake? Nope, when I looked 15 minutes later, still watching with headphones plugged in and really considering the 10 piece cookware set on sale. While I can appreciate a good shopper, it took away from his appeal for me. Plus, i'm more of a QVC girl.


• Perhaps just in an effort to annoy me even more, my neighbors seem to like to take an extra day to take in their trash barrels after they are emptied. Are they far away from the house? no. Are they super heavy? no. Are my neighbors physically injured or handicapped in any way? no. Just to put this into perspective, these barrells are right next to where they park their car so they have to go PAST the barrels just to get to their car EVERY DAY. So it's a conscious choice, how annoying.

So, as the name of my blog indicates, you really can't take things too seriously. Just take a moment every day to stop and look around and you will find something funny or curious happening around you.

Road Rage

Nope, did NOT take this picture, but it's funny!!!

So, I thought I could take care of a quick appointment this morning and planned to zip up and back and not take too much time out of my day. Well, who knew that there was a massive pothole that had erupted on the road, which was patched, and then opened up again overnight EXACTLY where I needed to drive to. Unsuspecting me hops in the car and sits in the worst traffic EVER!!! There is nothing more infuriating than traffic, especially when it's hot. I feel out of control, I get overheated and start looking at my car's instrument panel waiting for it to self destruct or something. I look around my car and wonder what I could eat if I needed to survive for three more days in my car. How long would that packet of ketchup keep me alive? Wait, do I still have that granola bar in my trunk? I always think I'm going to run out of gas and, worst of all, I lose the will to live. I finally thought I had made it through as I made my way back into the city and as I rounded the corner to get to my office, the friggin' bridge goes up so a slow as molasses boat could float by at a snail's pace. Awesome, I was ready to climb out of my car and jump off the bridge. However, it's very muggy out today so I stayed inside with my AC blasting. Just another day in paradise.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

As many of you know, I've been really dedicated to a workout plan that I started last summer. I've definitely made progress, but I kind of thought I might be hot by this point. Well, I think part of my problem is that I need to shake things up a bit with my trainer and my gym. So, I decided to go to a new gym around the corner with better facilities, more hours, and a different trainer with a different approach. This all sounds well and good but I've been dragging my feet on "breaking up" with my current trainer to make the change. Well, today I decided to do it. So, after our session this morning I was doing some extra cardio and asked him to talk and instead of talking in his office he wanted me to keep going so while I was on the bike I laid it all out there and said the very things you would when you break up with a boyfriend:

I just think I need a change.

Something isn't working for me.

I owe it to myself to see what else is out there.

It's not you, it's me.

Now, it's funny that I said the last one because I then proceeded to explain how it was all him and really much less about me. And he did not want our relationship to end. He offered discounts and extra sessions and then tried to throw guilt trips at me and told me he's "seen people go down this road before". I mean, did he ever hear that you have to let people go and if they come back it was meant to be? These were the most extruciating 18 minutes of my life.

No, I just have to do this, you have to let me go.

This is hard for me too, I know that we've been working on this for a year and I appreciate how much you've done for me.

I won't know if this is right for me if I have nothing else to compare it to.

Here's the really fun part. After wanting to die after this conversation, I had to check my remaining balance of sessions. Turns out I have 4 more to go before I have used up all the ones I paid for. So, I compare it to breaking up with someone but you agreed to go to a wedding with them so you still end up going together. The next couple of weeks are going to be awkward city!

I've always been a bit of a hearbreaker so we can just add this one to the list of the many many many broken hearts I've left in my wake.

Is It Just Me?

Why do I always get stuck behind the slowest walkers? Anyone who knows me also knows that I'm not exactly a speed demon myself so if I think someone is slow, they are S-L-O-W!!! Today I was stuck behind a woman as I went to grab lunch who had clearly made a poor choice in footwear and was struggling to stand up let alone walk. But did she let people go by her who were clearly going at a faster clip? NOPE! Did she allow for any space to her left or right in case someone wanted to make a break for it? NOPE! As a slow walker myself, I am sensisitive to the fact that those around me may wish to pass by. That's why they have the standing and the walking lanes on the moving walkways. This doesn't just happen to me when I'm walking behind them, it also happens to me when I'm driving. I stop at a bunch of crosswalks on my way to and from work each day and I let people walk across the street, HOWEVER, would it kill some of them to move it along a little faster? Now, I give a pass to the elderly and the handicapped, but the fully functioning and non-arthritic people out there who are STILL taking forever have got to cut it out. They chat away with their friends, they do a little dance, they even look right at me sometimes as they mosey along without a care in the world. What I would like to say is: "Hey there, it turns out I have somewhere to go which is why I'm in my CAR waiting for you to stop being an obstruction on the road!" Also, lady in the lunchroom "I'm sorry you wanted to wear your 'cute' shoes so badly that now you are suffering the consequences, but that was your choice and not mine and I don't have all day here for you to wobble to and fro!"

But I say none of these things, I just let them go at their own pace and deal with it. If only they knew the rage I was suppressing inside! Luckily for them I also have a short term memory loss problem so I quickly forget what I was so pissed about...

My Guilty Pleasure

I have to say, though I am embarassed to admit, that I love to watch shows where people fall, get hit in the head, slip, or smack into a tree. That's why I get such a kick out of America's Funniest Home Videos. I know, I'm probably the one person who still watches that show, but when I am flipping through the channels and see it on ABC Family, I stop and check out the trainwreck. What is it about me that enjoys seeing other people fall all over the place? it must run in my family because I can still hear the sound of my sister's laughter as she would watch AFV in her room and you could tell when someone took a dive because she would break out and couldn't control herself.

So, last night my parents came over for dinner and afterwards we were hanging out in my living room waiting for the premiere of BostonMed which is actually pretty riveting. Anyways, this show called Wipeout comes on and it's right up my alley. This show has "contestants", a term I use loosely because they are just crazy people who want to be on tv, who go through obstacle courses which are specifically designed to throw them all over the place. I love it. Honestly, seeing some of these people go flying into the water after bouncing off the big red balls or getting punched in the face as they try to scale a wall, it's priceless entertainment.

So, that's my guilty pleasure. It may not be high brow entertainment, but it's enough for me!!!

You Can't Cry Over Spilled Milk

But you can certainly cry over spoiled milk in my opinion!!! So, this morning I was making my breakfast and I grabbed the carton of milk I bought just yesterday. For some reason I always smell milk and I open it and so I did so again this morning. It smelled a little "off" so I decided to give it a little taste. I live alone, so no harm in taking a swig straight from the carton. I immediately knew it was so very wrong and made a scene as I spit it out and used a paper towel to wipe my tongue clean of this awful taste. When I then poured the milk out, it was clear and then chunky. Yeah, revolting. I wanted to vomit. And now, all I can think about for the rest of the day is that I drank that nasty stuff and I'm now going to have major trust issues with milk going forward. I will be tortured by the "Got Milk?" ad campaign and it's going to take some serious time to recover from this. Will osteoporosis set in due to my lack of calcium? I hope not. Wish me luck my friends, I may never be the same.

Excuse Me, Are You Alive?

So, the other day I was parking at the grocery store when I looked over and saw something strange next to me. I noticed a woman in her car with a whole load of stuff, I'm talking TLC Hoarders kind of stuff in there. At any rate, she looked like she was taking a nap so I decided to go into the store and get the stuff I was there to quickly pick up. As I'm standing in the checkout line I start to ask myself some very important questions:

1) It's wierd to take a nap in a car in a Whole Foods parking lot, why didn't I think that was a bigger deal?

2) What if she's dead!?!?!?!?

3) What if I'm on an episode of 20/20 where they are taping what I do for a "What Would You Do" segment where they show how selfish people are?

So I hurry back to my car and see that she's still in there but now she's in a full on slump on her steering wheel and I realize that something serious could be going on here. So i go over to her car and see that she literally has stuff jammed in there from who knows when and I can't imagine her early 90's model Honda has that new car smell anymore. While I'm worried she might be dead, I'm equally worried that she's not and when I tap on the window she's gonna freak out and go all nutso on me. I slowly approach the driver's side window and give it a little tap. Shoot, no luck. So I tap again a bit louder and this gets her right up! I immediately yell out "just wanted to make sure you were alive" entirely too loudly and then run back to get into my car because now that I've seen her face, I think she might be 8 shade of crazy. I do hear her yell back "thank you" as my shaky hands try to put the key in the ignition so i can make a quick get away. I felt good abouot making sure she was ok even though I proabably should have done it before I did my shopping, but I was afraid they would run out of my favorite sushi if I didn't get there in time! So, take this as a lesson that if you are ever tempted to take a snoonze in a parking lot, just rmember that "good citizens" like myself are lurking around to wake you up and then run away real fast. Sweet dreams.

I Want To Join "The Village" People

I just returned from having spent a week with a glimpse of what I would like my retirement to look like and I would like that retirement to come as soon as possible. My father bought a home in The Villages, a retirement community about an hour outside of Orlando and it is, in a word, awesome. Sure, I’ve heard the rumors that the senior folk around here “get busy” when the lights go down and they put the “active” in “active living”, but I don’t care because as far as I’m concerned, this as close as it gets to heaven. Now, I know I’m supposed to wait until I’m 55 to become a resident, but I already feel so close to these people and here are just a few reasons why:

• 1) The main mode of transportation here is the golf cart. Some are tricked out to look like old fashioned cars and others are decorated in the style of their favorite sports teams and some of them are just plain. As a rather slow driver myself, I completely appreciate a form of transportation that tops out at 20 mph and you can bedazzle to your heart’s content.
  
• 2) They are sticklers for the rules. That’s right, don’t even think about going to the pool without your pass AND your photo i.d., they do random checks and if you don’t have what they want to see, your ass will be removed from the property! I appreciate and respect that there are rules and they must be abided by!
  
• 3) There are pools all over The Villages that are for people 30+ only. You can’t even be in your late 20’s and think you’re getting in because they will take you down.
  
• 4) Pricing here seems to be a bit of a throwback to the depression era because it’s hard to go out for a meal and make it past $20/pp and that includes booze!
  
• 5) Happy hour is a way of life in The Villages. In fact, it’s much more than an hour, it typically goes from 11am – 7pm and that means that beers are $1, booze is about $2.50 and they love to throw in a “2 for 1” where it’s not that you and your friend each order a drink and only one person pays, it means that when you order, they bring you two of that drink right away so that they can be sure you get nice and loaded.
  
• 6) Everyone here really cares about whether you are having a good day or not. I mean, when they ask how you are they really pay attention to the answer and will follow up with a full on interview because they need to know where you’re from, who you are a guest of, how long you are staying and if you are drinking The Village Kool Aid yet and loving it here as much as them.
  
• 7) I feel really at home being hearing impaired because these people will either keep talking because as long as you appear to be listening they are happy OR they wear hearing aids themselves and we are like peas in a pod.
  
• 8) I’ve never felt less self-conscious in my life wearing a bathing suit in public. I’m always one of the youngest ones at the pool, I have my own hair, my own teeth and my mind is almost completely in tact and that’s all I need to be kind of a hottie around here. How nice for a change!
  
• 9) Everything is super clean around here and it kind of looks like the Truman Show set. There are actually buildings here that have nothing inside of them but they just felt that the area would look incomplete without a phony post office or bank building right there. I love it, it’s all about aesthetics and who cares if it lacks any other purpose whatsoever!?!?
  
• 10) A direct flight to Orlando is only 3 hours away from my home so that means that in just a few short hours, my happy little retirement community will always be waiting for me.
  
  All in all, visiting The Villages was a fabulous experience and one I will be repeating again and again. All I can say is that this place is no Shady Pines. These people know how to party and they know how to do it right. If loving The Villages is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Cut 'em back, Cut 'em back, WAAAAAAY Back!

I was on a plane the other day and while everyone was getting up to leave I saw a flash out of the corner of my eye. Curious, I looked in the direction of this flash and saw that it came from the manicure of the woman in the row in front of me. She had some sort of metallic design on her nails that caught the light and caught my attention. Not only was I surprised by the design, but what was more shocking to me was the length of these nails. These puppies were so long that I don’t know how she could go through her day without hurting herself or others. These nails came out a few inches from the tip of her fingers, a few INCHES!!! I mean, I just think about what it must take for her to put on a sweater and it freaks me out. I don’t want to talk about the potential food issues so I’ll let your imagination work on that one yourself. And the bathroom? Oh no, I won’t go there either. But what I really thought about was that this woman must not have any good friends because if she did, one of those good friends would have told her that those bacteria farms she’s growing off of her hands have got to go!!! Listen, I don’t have a problem with acrylics, wraps, or the occasional Lee press-on nail, but everything must be done within reason and with a modicum of taste. So, airplane lady, I hope you are reading and I beg of you to do us all a favor and just cut ‘em back, cut ‘em back, waaaaay back!!!

Ed, You’re Making Me Feel Bad About My Life Choices

Okay, so I’m a faithful bridesmaid, I’m the queen of bridal showers and baby showers, I’ll even toss a few more back that I want to at a bachelorette party. I’m not religious but I’ll go to every baptism and christening and bris I’m invited to and I’m happy to do it, I want to celebrate all of the life choices of my friends and family. And one day, I know they will all be happy to celebrate mine as well. However, once in awhile, I am smacked in the face with a reminder of my own life choices to date in the most unexpected moments. Now, don’t worry, I’m totally fine and this isn’t a crisis moment or anything, I’m just sharing the delightfully awkward experiences of yours truly. So, I’m getting my taxes done and Ed, my tax guy, starts reviewing the forms and shakes his head.

“Well, I really wish you…”

“What is it Ed.”

“You’re not married?”

“No, Ed.”

“No kids?”

“No, Ed.”

“You don’t own any other properties?”

“No, Ed.”

“Well, I really wish you had some deductibles.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, it would really help if you had some kids.”

Really, Ed? Is this the time to hold up a mirror to your client and remind them that they don’t have children? What if I can’t have children? What if that’s all I wanted in the world but I just couldn’t, isn’t that just a wee bit insensitive? What if I just broke up with the love of my life, don’t you think your approach was a bit risky? It’s like asking a fat woman when she’s due and she’s just tubby and not “with child.” I’m just saying that those are NOT risks I’m willing to take in daily conversations. Take a lesson Ed and try a new approach next year. I’ll work on my life choices over the next year and we’ll see if I bring my husband and children with me to my next appointment and make your deductible wishes come true! Thanks for my refund buddy.

H&R Blocked

About two weeks ago I received an automated message reminding me of my appointment on Sunday, March 7th at 6pm with my neighborhood tax man at H&R Block. So, even though I was just coming back from a work trip that afternoon, I worked diligently to pull my tax records together and get ready for my tax appointment. I left the house early so as not to be late and when I rolled up in front of the office, the lights were off and no one was home. So, I called the main 800# and was informed that their reservation system was "wacky" and sometimes does crazy stuff like confirming appointments that couldn't possibly exist. Confused but calm I then asked if I could make a new appointment and he said that wasn't going to be possible either because the "wacky" system is also down at the moment. Really? Okay, so I'm supposed to go back and trust these guys to do my taxes if booking an appointment seems to be a challenge? Ironically he then asked if there was anything he could help me with and I (oh so sweetly) stated, "well, it turns out you haven't really been able to help me with anything at all, but it was nice of you to ask." So, my energy feels "taxed" and my only "return" is the need to find someone else to do my taxes.

I Demand Full Disclosure!

So, while eating my lunch today I made a terrible discovery, the salad I had purchased secretly contained a pile of black olives! I didn’t see it coming. I wouldn’t have imagined with a mozzarella, roasted pepper, grilled chicken and mesclun greens salad that olives would have even been considered. Flabbergasted, I spent the first few minutes of my lunch picking through and removing all of them. But, every piece of greenery they touched now had the vile and lingering flavor of those black rings of salty yuckiness. What if I had an olive allergy? What if I had high blood pressure and needed to watch my salt intake? What if I HATE BLACK OLIVES!?!?!? Now, truth be told, I do love green olives in a martini but that’s about it. Black olives are another situation altogether and I detest them. Sure, maybe you think I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill, but I feel my rights as a salad eater have been violated and I demand that the salad purveyors of the world provide us with FULL DISCLOSURE!!!

Something Special In The Air…..Or On The Ground

So, I’m entering into my 3^rd hour at Logan International Airport in Boston and since I had a feeling this was going to be a long day, I came prepared so I could share my experiences with all of you. I have to say that with all the ipods, phone apps, laptops, books, and magazines, the best entertainment for me are the people. Here are the top ten people I’ve encountered so far on my journey:

10) Nonstop talking chick: Okay, this woman hasn’t shut up since she got to the gate. She has something to say about everything and hasn’t stopped to take a breath. She’s talking about travel, real estate, friends from high school, interest rates, the economy, the stock market, shoes, EVERYTHING. So, I walked away just to get a break otherwise airport security was going to have to step in and “handle” me.

9) Nanna look alike: Okay, I’m serious, I’ve never seen someone look so much like my Nanna. It kind of freaked me out because I was like, “Nanna, how did you get out of the home? Do you know where you are? Do you know who I am? What brings you to the airport today?” But I held back and just watched from afar.

8) Elizabeth Grady: This little lady has been giving herself a facial since she sat down. I’m talking about full on moisturizing, tweezing, and she may have exfoliated her face at some point as well. She has a mirror that is lit up and, frankly, I was gonna ask her to shape my eyebrows when she got a second but since she was sitting next to # 10, I had to leave them both.

7) Speakerphone guy: So this dip thinks that everyone wants to hear his conversation so it doesn’t even occur to him that maybe he should turn the speakerphone option off. And the louder he goes the louder the person on the other side goes as well. It’s pretty awesome but even for me, the hearing impaired, it’s loud and annoying and needs to stop.

6) Rupaul: Okay, so I really can’t tell if this is a he, she, or she-male. He/She has the delicate features of a lovely lady but the lumbering gait and the deep voice of a macho man. Well, best of luck to him/her as he/she figures this out on their own.

5) Bono: He’s trying really hard to pull this look off, but it’s not working. The swept back hair, the five o clock shadow at 9am and the yellow sunglasses do nothing for him. Unless he’s going to entertain us with a rousing rendition of One or some hits from the Joshua Tree, he needs to tone it down and look into getting a make-under.

4) Mr. Mint Shirt: Remember the Andes candies that your grandmother used to keep at her house? Remember the bright green minty stuff in between the two thin layers of chocolate? Okay, that’s the color shirt this guy is wearing under his brown suit with a bright red tie. It’s just awful and makes me hurt to look at him.

3) Family Portrait: I kid you not, a family of four asked someone to take their picture in front of a trashcan in front of the restrooms. I guess the economy really is in the shitter if these are the kinds of memories that the American family has been reduced to making.

2) King of the Septic Systems: So, I’m sitting here and all of a sudden a phone rings and I hear what sounds to me like medieval horns playing to welcome the King to the jousting match. I look up and the guy who answers the phone is sporting an Amish beard (you know, Lincoln style with the beard only) and a sweatshirt for the company I am assuming he works for called Randolph Septic Systems. If we were playing poker, I’d call this a Royal Flush!

1) Mr. Zen: Finally, the guy that makes waiting for a flight worthwhile. After I moved away from Ms. Chatterbox (#10), I was close enough to overhear a delightful conversation between two very unlikely folks. A guy in a tshirt and trucker hat and a lovely lady who looked like she just walked out of Chico’s were having a conversation. He was lifting up his shirt and showing her the extensive scars he got during a motorcycle accident several years ago. He told her all about his many surgeries, metal plates in his head, steel in his knees, and the head trauma he suffered. He spoke in an uncomfortably loud tone of voice, likely a result of the head trauma for sure. She was a real champ listening with genuine interest and inserting the appropriate “ooh” and “oh my” when necessary. After he then explained how many painkillers he’s on regularly and then paused to make a few phone calls on his iphone with his earpiece, he tells her how he’s really a simple guy who doesn’t really believe in western medicine.

Well, while I may never make it to my destination, I sure am trying to enjoy the journey.

"Pissing" Me Off

So, I thought my cat and I had an understanding. If I go away for 2 nights and come back, she is okay with her food, water, and litter box if all three are replenished before I depart. We’ve done this before and we’ve been just fine. If it’s any longer than that, I arrange for someone to come check on her and bond so she doesn’t feel abandoned. Well, apparently, Elphie decided that this past weekend wasn’t going to work for her and she decided to send me a little message about my recent travel, ON MY BED!!! Yup, that’s right, a little yellow message to tell me that she will not be forgotten. Luckily, it was a small message so I bleached the hell out of everything and it didn’t go all the way through to my mattress. So, why was she so surprised when I didn’t let her into my room last night? Shouldn’t she have known that she crossed the line and there would be consequences? Apparently not because, even with my hearing aids out, I could hear her scratching at the door and trying to get in. Finally, I relented because at some point I had to go to the bathroom and I wasn’t going to pee on my bed too. It seems clear to me that she only does this when I’m gone but wouldn’t dare do it while I’m there. So, today I went to Bed Bath & Beyond and picked up a mattress protector so that my lovely Jordan’s Furniture sleep lab special doesn’t get involved in our little “pissing” match. Yup, I picked up a plastic shield as if I were either an old lady or a young child with a bed-wetting problem. I know, I know, my life is pretty glamorous and you are all probably jealous about the exciting life I lead.

Olympic Observations

Okay, I’m trying to be a good American and get on board with this Olympic thing so I’m doing my diligent nightly tune-in and it turns out I have some questions. So, along with my partner in crime and best friend Helen here, I’d like to explore some of these topics.

1) Snowboarding: I foolishly asked if there is a half pipe, what happened to the full pipe competition? Helen wisely informs me that this would require a competition in a tube and so the “half” makes it not only more competitive and the tricks can be cooler, but we can also see what they’re doing.

2) Canada: Doing some recent research, Helen informs me that 90% of Canadians live within 100 miles of the U.S. border. So, while I don’t know how many kilometers that is, I think it means that the Olympics are almost happening in the U.S. so I can get behind them a bit more now.

3) Women’s Slalom: Okay, so I can’t seem get through this one without calling it “shalom” by mistake, mazeltov! They wear aerodynamic body suits but we both realized that this gives them no traction when they, and they seemed to quite a lot, fall down the hill. So, I’m wondering if they have a better chance at a world record if they just fall down right away or actually ski.

4) Back to snowboarding: I call it a costume or an outfit but I guess it’s more of the gear they wear in competition. We’re having a hard time figuring out the difference between what they’re wearing and pajamas. Why no slippery body suit for Shaun White (aka the flying tomato)?

5) Short track speed skating: Every time I see a story about Apolo “Oh no!!!” it kind of seems to me like he accidentally wins. Someone else falls down or gets disqualified and he’s a world champion. Now, I’m not saying he’s not a great athlete because I saw the training montage and he can run up a cliff in the desert and lift weights like nothing I’ve ever seen, but I just don’t get this sport. I don’t get how they don’t slice each other open with those big blades on their feet and I don’t understand how you win and I also don’t understand how they all look so calm like they’re just skating along on a Sunday afternoon in the park. Well, there goes another career option for me.

So, all in all I have to say I’m enjoying the journey that these Olympic games have become for me. I didn’t want to like them, but I’m watching and I’m enjoying.

God Bless America!

Hugs: Do It Right or Don't Do It At All

I was talking to someone today about a recent experience she had hugging people at a baby shower and I realized something very important...not everyone is meant to be a hugger. The thing is that if you can't hug well, I kind of wish that you would acknowledge it, admit it, and find another way to greet people. Become a great high-fiver, kiss people on the cheek like a champ, or shake hands like a superstar but give up trying to hug if it's not meant to be. To me, a bad hugger is someone who puts their arms wide around you but is as stiff as a corpse and as the huggee, you get a shoulder in your throat and a tap tap tap on your back. When I hug someone, I want it to mean something and, if nothing else, I want it to at least be a comfortable experience. If you are a bad hugger, the experience is just as uncomfortable for you and someone needs to be the bigger person and stop it before it begins. I pride myself at being a good hugger and I'm just trying to give voice to something that's been kept underground for far too long. So, huggers of the world, unite and take a stand against bad hugs!

The Winter Olympics Are Going "Downhill"

I’m not sure if you’re aware, but it turns out that the Olympics start today, who knew? Sure, the Today show has been reporting from Vancouver all week but I kind of figured they were looking for where in the world Matt Lauer was but it has finally dawned on me that the Winter Olympic games are about to begin……….and I couldn’t care less. I remember there was a time when I knew about speed skating records being broken and that the Jamaican bobsled team was kind of a big deal. But now I don’t know who the heck is doing anything and who is expected to sweep the gold medals in any sport. I mean, where is the knee smacking drama of Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding? How about when Oksana stole the gold when she was like 15 and melted everyone’s hearts with her story of being an orphan? Does anyone care now what Brian Boitano would do? Maybe it’s different since the split between the summer and winter games, maybe I’m distracted by other things going on, or maybe I just need a good old NBC photo montage and story of overcoming impossible odds to get me back into the swing of things. Until then, I’ll just get annoyed by my favorite shows being pre-empted by the riveting coverage of cross-country skiing, archery, and curling. Yippee, pass the popcorn.