My Guilty Pleasure

I have to say, though I am embarassed to admit, that I love to watch shows where people fall, get hit in the head, slip, or smack into a tree. That's why I get such a kick out of America's Funniest Home Videos. I know, I'm probably the one person who still watches that show, but when I am flipping through the channels and see it on ABC Family, I stop and check out the trainwreck. What is it about me that enjoys seeing other people fall all over the place? it must run in my family because I can still hear the sound of my sister's laughter as she would watch AFV in her room and you could tell when someone took a dive because she would break out and couldn't control herself.

So, last night my parents came over for dinner and afterwards we were hanging out in my living room waiting for the premiere of BostonMed which is actually pretty riveting. Anyways, this show called Wipeout comes on and it's right up my alley. This show has "contestants", a term I use loosely because they are just crazy people who want to be on tv, who go through obstacle courses which are specifically designed to throw them all over the place. I love it. Honestly, seeing some of these people go flying into the water after bouncing off the big red balls or getting punched in the face as they try to scale a wall, it's priceless entertainment.

So, that's my guilty pleasure. It may not be high brow entertainment, but it's enough for me!!!

You Can't Cry Over Spilled Milk

But you can certainly cry over spoiled milk in my opinion!!! So, this morning I was making my breakfast and I grabbed the carton of milk I bought just yesterday. For some reason I always smell milk and I open it and so I did so again this morning. It smelled a little "off" so I decided to give it a little taste. I live alone, so no harm in taking a swig straight from the carton. I immediately knew it was so very wrong and made a scene as I spit it out and used a paper towel to wipe my tongue clean of this awful taste. When I then poured the milk out, it was clear and then chunky. Yeah, revolting. I wanted to vomit. And now, all I can think about for the rest of the day is that I drank that nasty stuff and I'm now going to have major trust issues with milk going forward. I will be tortured by the "Got Milk?" ad campaign and it's going to take some serious time to recover from this. Will osteoporosis set in due to my lack of calcium? I hope not. Wish me luck my friends, I may never be the same.

Excuse Me, Are You Alive?

So, the other day I was parking at the grocery store when I looked over and saw something strange next to me. I noticed a woman in her car with a whole load of stuff, I'm talking TLC Hoarders kind of stuff in there. At any rate, she looked like she was taking a nap so I decided to go into the store and get the stuff I was there to quickly pick up. As I'm standing in the checkout line I start to ask myself some very important questions:

1) It's wierd to take a nap in a car in a Whole Foods parking lot, why didn't I think that was a bigger deal?

2) What if she's dead!?!?!?!?

3) What if I'm on an episode of 20/20 where they are taping what I do for a "What Would You Do" segment where they show how selfish people are?

So I hurry back to my car and see that she's still in there but now she's in a full on slump on her steering wheel and I realize that something serious could be going on here. So i go over to her car and see that she literally has stuff jammed in there from who knows when and I can't imagine her early 90's model Honda has that new car smell anymore. While I'm worried she might be dead, I'm equally worried that she's not and when I tap on the window she's gonna freak out and go all nutso on me. I slowly approach the driver's side window and give it a little tap. Shoot, no luck. So I tap again a bit louder and this gets her right up! I immediately yell out "just wanted to make sure you were alive" entirely too loudly and then run back to get into my car because now that I've seen her face, I think she might be 8 shade of crazy. I do hear her yell back "thank you" as my shaky hands try to put the key in the ignition so i can make a quick get away. I felt good abouot making sure she was ok even though I proabably should have done it before I did my shopping, but I was afraid they would run out of my favorite sushi if I didn't get there in time! So, take this as a lesson that if you are ever tempted to take a snoonze in a parking lot, just rmember that "good citizens" like myself are lurking around to wake you up and then run away real fast. Sweet dreams.

I Want To Join "The Village" People

I just returned from having spent a week with a glimpse of what I would like my retirement to look like and I would like that retirement to come as soon as possible. My father bought a home in The Villages, a retirement community about an hour outside of Orlando and it is, in a word, awesome. Sure, I’ve heard the rumors that the senior folk around here “get busy” when the lights go down and they put the “active” in “active living”, but I don’t care because as far as I’m concerned, this as close as it gets to heaven. Now, I know I’m supposed to wait until I’m 55 to become a resident, but I already feel so close to these people and here are just a few reasons why:

• 1) The main mode of transportation here is the golf cart. Some are tricked out to look like old fashioned cars and others are decorated in the style of their favorite sports teams and some of them are just plain. As a rather slow driver myself, I completely appreciate a form of transportation that tops out at 20 mph and you can bedazzle to your heart’s content.
  
• 2) They are sticklers for the rules. That’s right, don’t even think about going to the pool without your pass AND your photo i.d., they do random checks and if you don’t have what they want to see, your ass will be removed from the property! I appreciate and respect that there are rules and they must be abided by!
  
• 3) There are pools all over The Villages that are for people 30+ only. You can’t even be in your late 20’s and think you’re getting in because they will take you down.
  
• 4) Pricing here seems to be a bit of a throwback to the depression era because it’s hard to go out for a meal and make it past $20/pp and that includes booze!
  
• 5) Happy hour is a way of life in The Villages. In fact, it’s much more than an hour, it typically goes from 11am – 7pm and that means that beers are $1, booze is about $2.50 and they love to throw in a “2 for 1” where it’s not that you and your friend each order a drink and only one person pays, it means that when you order, they bring you two of that drink right away so that they can be sure you get nice and loaded.
  
• 6) Everyone here really cares about whether you are having a good day or not. I mean, when they ask how you are they really pay attention to the answer and will follow up with a full on interview because they need to know where you’re from, who you are a guest of, how long you are staying and if you are drinking The Village Kool Aid yet and loving it here as much as them.
  
• 7) I feel really at home being hearing impaired because these people will either keep talking because as long as you appear to be listening they are happy OR they wear hearing aids themselves and we are like peas in a pod.
  
• 8) I’ve never felt less self-conscious in my life wearing a bathing suit in public. I’m always one of the youngest ones at the pool, I have my own hair, my own teeth and my mind is almost completely in tact and that’s all I need to be kind of a hottie around here. How nice for a change!
  
• 9) Everything is super clean around here and it kind of looks like the Truman Show set. There are actually buildings here that have nothing inside of them but they just felt that the area would look incomplete without a phony post office or bank building right there. I love it, it’s all about aesthetics and who cares if it lacks any other purpose whatsoever!?!?
  
• 10) A direct flight to Orlando is only 3 hours away from my home so that means that in just a few short hours, my happy little retirement community will always be waiting for me.
  
  All in all, visiting The Villages was a fabulous experience and one I will be repeating again and again. All I can say is that this place is no Shady Pines. These people know how to party and they know how to do it right. If loving The Villages is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Cut 'em back, Cut 'em back, WAAAAAAY Back!

I was on a plane the other day and while everyone was getting up to leave I saw a flash out of the corner of my eye. Curious, I looked in the direction of this flash and saw that it came from the manicure of the woman in the row in front of me. She had some sort of metallic design on her nails that caught the light and caught my attention. Not only was I surprised by the design, but what was more shocking to me was the length of these nails. These puppies were so long that I don’t know how she could go through her day without hurting herself or others. These nails came out a few inches from the tip of her fingers, a few INCHES!!! I mean, I just think about what it must take for her to put on a sweater and it freaks me out. I don’t want to talk about the potential food issues so I’ll let your imagination work on that one yourself. And the bathroom? Oh no, I won’t go there either. But what I really thought about was that this woman must not have any good friends because if she did, one of those good friends would have told her that those bacteria farms she’s growing off of her hands have got to go!!! Listen, I don’t have a problem with acrylics, wraps, or the occasional Lee press-on nail, but everything must be done within reason and with a modicum of taste. So, airplane lady, I hope you are reading and I beg of you to do us all a favor and just cut ‘em back, cut ‘em back, waaaaay back!!!

Ed, You’re Making Me Feel Bad About My Life Choices

Okay, so I’m a faithful bridesmaid, I’m the queen of bridal showers and baby showers, I’ll even toss a few more back that I want to at a bachelorette party. I’m not religious but I’ll go to every baptism and christening and bris I’m invited to and I’m happy to do it, I want to celebrate all of the life choices of my friends and family. And one day, I know they will all be happy to celebrate mine as well. However, once in awhile, I am smacked in the face with a reminder of my own life choices to date in the most unexpected moments. Now, don’t worry, I’m totally fine and this isn’t a crisis moment or anything, I’m just sharing the delightfully awkward experiences of yours truly. So, I’m getting my taxes done and Ed, my tax guy, starts reviewing the forms and shakes his head.

“Well, I really wish you…”

“What is it Ed.”

“You’re not married?”

“No, Ed.”

“No kids?”

“No, Ed.”

“You don’t own any other properties?”

“No, Ed.”

“Well, I really wish you had some deductibles.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, it would really help if you had some kids.”

Really, Ed? Is this the time to hold up a mirror to your client and remind them that they don’t have children? What if I can’t have children? What if that’s all I wanted in the world but I just couldn’t, isn’t that just a wee bit insensitive? What if I just broke up with the love of my life, don’t you think your approach was a bit risky? It’s like asking a fat woman when she’s due and she’s just tubby and not “with child.” I’m just saying that those are NOT risks I’m willing to take in daily conversations. Take a lesson Ed and try a new approach next year. I’ll work on my life choices over the next year and we’ll see if I bring my husband and children with me to my next appointment and make your deductible wishes come true! Thanks for my refund buddy.

H&R Blocked

About two weeks ago I received an automated message reminding me of my appointment on Sunday, March 7th at 6pm with my neighborhood tax man at H&R Block. So, even though I was just coming back from a work trip that afternoon, I worked diligently to pull my tax records together and get ready for my tax appointment. I left the house early so as not to be late and when I rolled up in front of the office, the lights were off and no one was home. So, I called the main 800# and was informed that their reservation system was "wacky" and sometimes does crazy stuff like confirming appointments that couldn't possibly exist. Confused but calm I then asked if I could make a new appointment and he said that wasn't going to be possible either because the "wacky" system is also down at the moment. Really? Okay, so I'm supposed to go back and trust these guys to do my taxes if booking an appointment seems to be a challenge? Ironically he then asked if there was anything he could help me with and I (oh so sweetly) stated, "well, it turns out you haven't really been able to help me with anything at all, but it was nice of you to ask." So, my energy feels "taxed" and my only "return" is the need to find someone else to do my taxes.